so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
