I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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