Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
