does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
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