you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
