I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
