did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
