I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
