A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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