Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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