dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
