He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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