I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
