First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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