dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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