i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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