soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
