I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
