Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She needs sedatives and a leash
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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