Kiss
Puke
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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