I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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