I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
