It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
