her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
