i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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