It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
