If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
