I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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