i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
