Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
