Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
