Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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