Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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