Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
