im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
