So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have tasted many bathrooms
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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