I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
