1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
