Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
