Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
