I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
