I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
