You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
