Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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