The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
