Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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