Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
