My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
