I just threw up on my dentist
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
NoShamevember. You game?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
