Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
