Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
